On New Beginnings at 40

Reflecting back on a challenging period of time, experiencing loss, feelings of uncertainty and a new focus for the year ahead.

In December I celebrated my 40th Birthday with my partner in a small cabin in the Pembrokeshire countryside. My colleagues at work had ensured I was suitably reminded of the significance of the occasion before I left for the Christmas break but it was nice to just get away and celebrate with her on our own and enjoy time together. I felt inspired to look again to reflect on writing and experiences and used the motivation of the day to draw up a list of activities and challenges in the year ahead I could do that would perhaps inspire to write again. A common mindset and motivation I’ll concede but it was interesting to sit down and think about the things I wanted to accomplish this year, new experiences that would challenge me to be a little more adventurous and not rely on comfort and safety of the familiar and known.

Eighteen months ago I arrived home from work to discover a fire had swept through my apartment causing significant damage and loss. A decade of my life lost to fire or smoke damage. Sorting through what remained, it was the more personal, sentimental possessions that broke me. One evening, about a week or two after the fire I was sat in my flat filled with uncertainty, staring down at a picture my nephew in America had drawn for me on our first visit in May. Seeing the smoke damage drove me to tears, that feeling of independence and accomplishment in building a life for myself over the last decade ripped away. Those items I lost didn’t define me, or what I had accomplished or experienced but their loss meant a great deal. That feeling of anxiety through uncertainty and loss is an emotional scar that remains and a feeling I’ve worked hard to face and not allow it to define who I am today.

I lost the motivation to continue to write, though this platform has served as a way to motivate me to challenge myself to push beyond the familiar and certainty as a way of restoring an element of what was lost. It was also a challenge to maintain the façade of being a functioning, rationale individual as I tried to rebuild a life and start again. Those experiences I once enjoyed just felt tarnished and bittersweet and so I stepped away to just focus on trying to work out the things that brought me real comfort and joy that I could enjoy again. Slowly, but surely over the last year pieces of that puzzle have started to come together again. It felt nice to just enjoy experiences without that creative mindset fixated on creating a perspective or opinion, but I did miss this being a driving force to trying new experiences and stretching myself beyond the familiar.

And so during the New Year Break I drew up my list of places to visit, foods to enjoy and activities I had contemplated but never made a reality. It gave me a reason to pull on my walking boots and get back out into the world beyond my home and work that had perhaps become a little stagnant. 40 new activities to accomplish before I turn 41 in December this year. Some a little easier than others, and certain tasks will challenge me beyond my comfort zone. But despite the loss and change over the last eighteen months, and certainly the uncertainty of the year ahead I came to the realisation I can either let the unknown fester and fuel a level of anxiety that is intolerable or face into new experiences and challenges and enjoy the feeling of strength and accomplishment in embracing that uncertainty. There will be challenges to overcome, but I will persevere and come out the stronger from it.

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40 Activities at 40

• Chocolate making class
• Bake a lasagne from scratch
• Walk across the O2 ‘Up at the O2’
• Row a boat on a boating lake
• Do a last-minute holiday booking (for the experience)
• Mix a cocktail
• Make Apple Ice Cream
• Axe throwing
• Go to the top of the shard
• Bicycle ride around a park in London
• Visit a new country in Europe (for the location)
• Bake a Gluten Free Sausage Roll from scratch
• Photography at the Lavender Fields
• Visit Westminster Abbey
• Go fruit picking and bake a gluten free pie
• Film a video at night driving in Central London
• Ride a London Tourist Bus
• Visit Cardiff and Cardiff Castle
• Bake Cookies from scratch
• Walk up Arthur’s Seat in Edinburgh

• Visit the Monopoly Board locations over a weekend in London
• Visit a flower show
• Make a jar of Jam
• Visit the old Nuclear bunker at Kelvedon Hatch
• Photography at the Sky Garden
• Make a room diffuser at a class in London
• Bake a Gluten Free Key Lime Pie
• Go to the top of Battersea Power Station on the lift 109 experience
• Attend a Proms concert
• Try an archery lesson
• Complete 4 Wild in Art statue hunts
• Attend a Comic Con Convention with my partner
• Visit Haynes Motor Museum in Somerset
• Visit Bletchley Park and Museum
• Bake Gluten Free Cheese Scones from scratch
• Attend a play at the Globe Theatre with my partner
• Read the Harry Potter series
• Walk the Cheddar Gorge cliff top walk in its entirety
• Visit Didcot railway centre on a train running day
• Visit a new Cathedral

To new adventures, challenges and experiences in the year ahead.

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